yesterday the last few days the last few weeks at work I decided that some stress relief was in order. By which I mean whacking a defiler and not a bit of self-loving. By whacking a defiler I also do not mean debasing myself , I just mean offing an orc, sticking a squealer, nutting a ne’er-do-well. Blimey… who’d have thought that anything with ‘goblin’ in could sound so rude.
Look, all I did was take myself off to my small computer room, lock the door and spend a pleasurable hour or two sat alone in front of my computer, just me and the internet. What is so odd about that?
I WAS ON MY OWN, PEOPLE! I JUST ASKED A FRIEND TO COME AND PLAY WITH ME!
Look, let me start again. Previous on “Blog de la Burro”, I had been beaten up by an Orc Defiler and his mates in the North Downs, right? Well after (latest) my rough day at work I decided it was payback time. I called my kinship and my mate Valeish kindly answered my call and came over to help me regain some lost honour.
Together we headed into the Troll caves to clear some of the rock-munchers out and remove their small controlling ‘boss’ from his position of power. We did all of this by killing everything that got in our way and as we are both Champions it involved not only rather a lot of *sching* and but also quite a bit of *sching*. Once out of there I suggested we make the short ride to the orc-infested hills of Nan Wathern where I could locate the defiler who had so humiliated me and explain to him the error of his ways by cutting him up into small chunks and feeding them to a pig.
Let me just say that this. Two Champions make one hell of a tough team! With Valeish’s help I am happy to report that my re-match with the defiler went a little more in my favour and a hell of a lot less in his…
And so, with the ringing of victory pumping through our ears, we pressed on deeper into Nan Wathern slaughtering orc scum left right and centre as we went. Nothing could stop us! Nothing could stand in our way! Nothing! Nothing, that is, except this fella:
Frankly I don’t know where he came from or how the bloody hell he came to be hitting me. One minute I was with Valeish wandering into a very gloomy, dark valley deep in the mountain stronghold, the next this bastard was laying into me with what felt suspiciously like a very sharp dumper truck. I fought on as valiantly as I could but he was just too tough for me and within seconds I was on my knees behind the grey screen of defeat. I wasn’t sure what to do – retreating would leave poor Valeish alone with these guys, but reviving here would mean another beating that would result in an automatic retreat to the nearest circle of shame. But I couldn’t leave my kinmate alone, could I? No! I am a Champion dammit and we have a code. Don’t ask me what it is because I don’t have it to hand right now, but I think someone made me sign something on my first day and I seem to remember a photocopied leaflet in the induction pack so I’m sure there is a code and it says something about not leaving men behind. That and not looking at porn on work computers. I had only one option. I revived.
At that exact moment Valeish collapsed to his knees, bested by the tough bastard with the shield. The same tough bastard with a shield who now looked at me in mild surprise and no small measure of amusement and roared.
I hit a health potion and ran. He and his hoppo ran after me taking pot-shots at my departing arse. I hit my sprint skill and ran faster, passing several surprised orcs as I went. Seeing their boss chasing me and bellowing insults, they joined in. What fun. I hit my biggest power potion and then my Dire Need skill to take my health high enough to survive a few hits, but my most pressing concern was my soon-to-expire sprint skill – would it get me to the camp gates in time? I was hoping the orcs would give up the chase there, but I couldn’t be certain. Meanwhile arrows and sword swipes were eating away at my morale as my speed boost began to sloooowww dddooooowwwwnnnnnnnn. This was going to be close.
Like a cork from a bottle I shot out of the gate but I kept running before I dared stop for a quick glance back. As I had gambled, once off their patch they had lost interest in me and turned to head back to their own camp. But what of poor Valeish? I called him on the Fellowship channel. Nothing. I called again. Nothing. A final try before I would have to try the kinship channel and this time he answered.
“What the hell happened there?” he asked, not unreasonably I thought.
“God knows,” I replied, “but it hurt like buggery!”
There was a long pause. I thought of him waiting alone back down there and readied myself for what I knew was going to be a futile & suicidal “rescue” attempt. “I’m coming back for you,” I said as I steeled myself and steeped up to the gate.
“RUN!” came the cry. A second later a Valeish shaped blur shot past me with the unmistakable form of our vanquisher charging after him right to where I stood with my mouth flapping like the toe end of a ripped wellie!
I did what any Champion worth his salt would do. I ran like hell.
At the bottom of the hill, as the last of the orcs who’d chased us off were returning home, Valeish turned to me and said “Well, that was… an education.”
I agreed and said “You know what we have to do now though don’t you?”
“What?” he asked.
“Get some of the higher level members of our Kin out here and kill every stinking orc and goblin who saw us running away.”
Oh yes my friends, coming to a small screen near you soon “Ranhold & Nan Wathern 3: No One Laughs At My Arse And Lives!”